Dysphoria Disrupts Physical Intimacy
Age: 18 years old
To start off my story I’ll begin by saying that I grew up in a VERY small town in Louisiana with only 1000 people in it. Everyone there was very closed minded, just like your typical small town that they show on TV. And these closed minded people included my parents. They couldn’t accept when I had come out as gay in the 8th grade. They sent me to a preacher to ‘fix’ my gayness and sent me to a therapist so that she could also talk me out of my gayness, and well, that never happened.
I remember being 7 or 8 years old with nothing but boys for best friends and I included myself as a boy. I never knew the difference between me and all my friends. I wore my shirt off outside and played in dirt just like all the boys did. I never played with Barbies, unless they were G.I. Joe men. I would pitch a fit when my mom tried to dress me up in anything other than boy clothes. Still to this day, I don’t see myself different from any other normal guy walking on the street. I’ve never in my life seen myself as a girl, thought like a girl, or acted like one. And anyone who’s grown up with me will tell you the same thing.
That being said, as I got older, my body did things I didn’t want it to do, and my dysphoria grew. I couldn’t wait to graduate to start my transition to end this sickening feeling in my stomach every time I heard ‘she’ or ma’am or was even reminded that I was a girl because in my eyes, I’m not. I identify as a straight male, and none of my girlfriends have ever seen me without my shirt on, or my boxers off. I hate my body THAT much.
I’ve had the same girlfriend for 2 years, and it’s the same for her. She’s never touched me, or seen anything higher than my bellybutton or lower than my hips. It drives me and her both insane that I just can’t relax and let her see me or touch me the way that I touch her, but she understands that until I’m happy and comfortable in the body I’m in, then things will have to be this way. She has understood from the beginning the pain that I was going through and has supported me through everything and has never done something that she knew would hurt me.
I’m ready to be who I really am. I want to be comfortable with myself and with my girlfriend because it kills me that I won’t even let my girlfriend of 2 years touch me because of the dysphoria that I have. I feel like there is constantly an anchor holding me back from doing the things I want to do because I don’t want anyone to see me as a girl. I just want to be happy and love myself so that everyone around me can see who I really am.