A Changing Persona and Voice
Age: 19 years old
Identifies as: Male
So when I was eighth grade-high school, I went through the typical identity crisis as most people do. I also had a special talent that I will simply call “shape-shifting,” meaning I could instantly adapt myself to fit any situation, as well as mimic other people’s thought processes or aspects of their personality. It was kind of all pick and chose, a very postmodern way of identity you could say. I was very conscious that I would be a different person around different people. And I was okay with that. I generally loathed the hypocrisy of it all, but if people saw me as something, I would be that.
But then I started to become unhappy about it. I started seeking up biological and religious reasons/support. The logical conclusion was that I had no gender at all. Somehow I ended up deciding I was Neutrois (not particularly anything at all and you seek to remove all gender defining characteristics). But that became an even greater source of anguish. I wanted to belong somewhere, and female was not an option because I failed to understand them and never saw myself as one anyway.
Lots of prayer involved here as I then started to look at myself and piece together fragments. It was the last thing that I ever expected honestly when I realized I was actually a guy. Though everything, I somehow ended up being “raised as one” (my family would disagree). Religiously, there was a sense of relief – like I did not have to beg God to forgive me for existing. I fit the role – yes, all guys are different – but I fit it. I look like a guy, been mistaken for one even before all this, and probably more feminine than most – but hey, there are guys out there like that as well.
I do not really know if there was anything physical. There is one that is largely debatable. My “natural” voice dropped by about an octave. I had already a pretty diverse range as I did voice impressions and the like, but never this low. And the dropping of it may have been subconscious or just practice from constant use. Or it could be because I gotten very sick/had an acid reflux attack that ate away at my vocal cords, which is what I attribute it to. Of course, my family had a few choice words, including one that said that my voice was demonic. Something snapped, and I just became incapable of physically talking to them (selective mutism, which is a type of social anxiety I have a mild version of for other things, but never anything this serious). Communicated with notes for almost a month before I moved back to college.